so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
