i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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