i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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