It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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