I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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