Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
