I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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