her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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