Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I have aggressive nipples.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
