So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize