I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
