he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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