so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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