gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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