just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize