when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
