Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
