our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
