I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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