I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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