yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Still dying that you shit outside
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
