he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
