Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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