I am spending my child support on dildos
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
