i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
