Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
