Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
