Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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