I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
