and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
