Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
