Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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