I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
