I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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