I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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