I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
