New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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