Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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