My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize