that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
