if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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