mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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