a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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