my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
