I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
