I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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