I wish I could punch you in the face.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
