you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
