She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
