so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
