So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
