Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
