Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
