I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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