I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
