the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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