Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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