Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
