Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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