she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
