he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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