watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize