I accidentally burped into my bong.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
